I’m sorry faithful readers, but once again I have failed to have anything new to publish, and I’m out of complete scenesc from the Seson 6 One Shots collection. But rather than not give you anything, I dug into the archives and found this added scene (and the ones that fed into it) from the unpublished chapter Sadie Hawkins from The Ballad of Kitty and Artie. Artie isn’t actually in this piece, but it helped me make sense of the Kitty and Puck “relationship” so I could sleep at night (it majorly creeped me out). Fair warning, this is mid season 4 Kitty, so she’s not a very nice person yet, and Puck is well…Puck.
* * * * *
A day or so later, Kitty was at her locker exchanging books when Jake’s older brother Noah “Puck” Puckerman approached her.
“I’m gonna keep this simple, for my sake as well as yours. Stay away from my little bro. He’s not interested in your skanky Meow Mix.”
“Speaking of things that are past their freshness date…” she retorted, condescendingly adding. “Didn’t you graduate… barely?”
“I recently relocated back to Lima. I find it to be a less distracting environment to focus on my screenwriting.”
“Don’t you have to be able to SPELL to be a writer?”
“I know how to spell. Leave my brother A-L-O-N. I understand the Puckerman Musk is impossible for chicks to resist. We’re like chocolate chip cookies right out of the oven” God he was cocky! She thought. “Sure you know we’re not good for you, but one whiff of our fresh-baked goodness and the next thing you know, you’re lying in bed, covered in crumbs, crying.”
She scoffed and walked off down the hall.
He followed her, clearly getting desperate because he was realizing his argument hadn’t worked. “Jake is fighting his instincts, He’s trying to be a good guy.”
She entered the Sex Education classroom, and Puck followed her in.
“If you really like him, you’ll give him a chance to do the right thing.” he plead.
She stopped and turned to face him.
“I don’t like Jake,” she confesses. “I’m a mean hot bitch who likes to get what she wants.”
She turned again and continued into the classroom. His desperation was giving her an idea though.
“Well it’s not gonna happen. I’m not gonna let it happen.” He tells her, “So all you’re just gonna do is get rejected and embarrass yourself.”
She turned around and faced him again.
“Fair point… but I certainly can’t go to the dance alone. “
Two students entered the room. Kitty snapped her fingers , “OUT!” and they left.
Returning her attention to Puck, “What are you doing Saturday night?” She put her hand on his shoulder.
“You want to go to the dance with me?” he asked confused.
She loved messing with guys’ heads.
“It’s depressing that you hang around school, but you’re just hot enough to pull it off. I assume vintage Puckerman us just as tasty?” Placing her hand on his shoulder.
“It’s better, but you can’t handle me.” he shrugged off her hand. “You’re used to dealing with amateurs. I’m a professional.”
“What’s the difference?”
“Amateurs have threesomes. Professionals have foursomes.” He leaned in for emphasis. “I’ve seen things, done things, that would keep you up at night?”
Kitty didn’t flinch or move. She wasn’t going to let him intimidate her.
“Do you want to keep me away from your brother?” She ran her hands all over his chest and arm. “Give me a big old yarn ball of muscles to distract me.” She knew she had him at that point.
The. Something occurred to him. “Aren’t you under age?”
“I have a fake ID.” She told him matter of factly.
“Good enough for me,” he concluded. “It’s a Sadie Hawkins dance so I assume that means you’re paying for everything. But if you want to get all up in this. I expect to be fed.”
He began walking off.
“I’ll pick you up at 7. We can swing through the drive through on the way.” She gave him a good view of her legs as she sat down. “And my dates are always underwear optional.
She gave him a seductive look as he smiled and walked off. She had him and she knew it.
* * * *
Late in the evening, Kitty and Puck were still dancing. As Kitty watched Puck she thought to herself that she hadn’t thought it possible for his dancing to get worse than it was. Finally she couldn’t take it anymore.
“Look,” she told him, “I usually avoid dating Jewish guys on account of your people killing my Jesus. I was willing to make an exception because of your biceps… but I’m gonna have to end this little experiment in religious tolerance if you don’t stop dancing like an idiot.”
“One night with me and I’ll have you studying for your bat mitzvah.”
“Not a chance. I like bacon too much.” She smiled.
They both laughed.
“I read your screenplay you know?” Kitty changed the subject but was still laughing.
“Why didn’t you tell me? I gave it to you like three days ago.” he asked.
“It took me that long to get through all of the spelling errors. Have you ever heard of Spell Check?”
“Anyway, It’s actually really good.”
“You really think so?”
“The pool boy at the White House is the only one who can save the president from alien terrorist aquatic pythons? I am sold!”
“I like Keanu for the lead.”
“You have promise.” she told him seriously. “I really think you could be a screenwriter.”
They continued to dance in silence and she glanced over across the room toward Jake and Marley. Sure enough he was watching her again. Kitty knew that her plan was working. The music changed to a slow song and Jake and Marley got close and that really started to piss her off.
After a few awkward moments she changed the subject with Puck.
“If you’re done dancing like you lost your legs in a motorcycle accident, why don’t we get back to my car and have at each-other in the back seat?” She said a little more loudly than really necessary.
“Right on,” he answered all cool like.. “But I have to warn you that I get pretty hungry after sex, so we should make it quick ‘cause Sonic Burger closes in an hour.”
His voice was carrying. Perfect. Now for the final piece.
She grabbed him by the hand and lead him out of the gym.
A few feet away, Jake was dancing with Marley but when her head was turned toward the stage he was watching Kitty and Puck exit the gym. Judging by his expression, Kitty’s plan to make him jealous had worked.
* * * * *
Outside in the parking lot Kitty lead Puck back to her car, but instead of crawling into the back seat like he expected her too, she dove into the front seat.
“Babe, this will be a lot more enjoyable in the back seat ….. Unless you enjoy having the imprint of the steering wheel pressed into your ass.” He told her.
“Slow down kangaroo boy! I’m not that easy!”
“What the hell?”
“You’re gonna have to do more than go to one dance with me if you want to get any of this,” she said gesturing to her body.
“The hell with that!” He responded angrily.
He started to get out of the car, but she stopped him, grabbing his arm. “If you leave now, I’m going back after Jake and never relenting until I have him back, and bulimia girl is all alone crying.” He stopped.
“Let me break it down.” She explained. “In order to maintain my social standing, it is expected for me to have a boyfriend. My first choice is the rebel without a clue Jake. But since he does not seem interested anymore, the former student graduate rebel is almost as exciting. So here’s the deal. As of now, as far as Jake and everyone else is concerned, you and I are dating. If you play your cards right, you just MIGHT get lucky at prom.”
He sat there staring at her clearly pisse off.
“And if I don’t… ?”
“Then it’s back to plan A for me,” she told him matter-of-factly. “We both know he’s that close to relenting. He really likes Marley, but I’m irresistible and he is a guy after all.”
“What guarantee do I have that you’ll do what you say? I haven’t gotten laid since coming back to Lima and I’m not sure how long I can hold out,” he asked.
“You’ll just have to trust me,” she told him.
He didn’t see her left hand behind her back with its fingers crossed.
After a moment to think about it, Kitty could see that it was finally sinking in that he wasn’t going to get laid tonight.
Finally he responded, “Agreed. You drive a hard bargain…..but I can’t promise I won’t get my needs met elsewhere.”
“As long as no one at school finds out, I could care less.
“I told you before, I’m a mean hot bitch and I’m relentless until I get what I want.”
With that she turned the key over in the ignition, started the car, and drove him home.