Brittney 2.0
Adapted by Wilde Abrams
*** Friday ***
It has been nearly a week (3 days) since the New Directions had chosen to sever ties with Kitty’s lunch crew. She had hoped it would not come down to that, but their insistence at embracing freaks made that unavoidable. She’d been hoping to have the opportunity to convenience Artie and the others the error of their ways, but there hadn’t been enough time. Phil was just too observant and impatient for her own good. She knew that despite her attitude, she was at a very critical time in her rise to power, and one wrong decision could derail everything she had worked so hard for. He had maneuvered her into severing ties with the glee club before she was ready, and for that he would eventually pay. But not yet, not until her position as Head Bitch On Campus was cemented.
She would never really understand why Artie had apparently given up his position as leader to Blaine, but she had to admit she had started to like Artie, Blaine, and even Tina in the week she had spent hanging out with them. She could care less about Brittany & Sam. Joe and Sugar seriously bugged her. Apparently Sugar and Artie had dated a few times, but she was irritating and Kitty thought he could do better.
I’m very disappointed in you -Artie
The text he had sent her continued to go through her mind. When she’d first read it, her first instinct was to respond to it with something mean, but she just couldn’t get herself to do it because deep down she knew he was right. She was disappointed in herself. He’d never been anything but nice to him, and she’d shunned him and called him a mean name. She wished she’d been able to find a way to salvage the situation, but that didn’t appear to be possible without endangering her own social standing.
She distracted herself by focusing on Cheerleading. Once cheerleading rehearsals began Kitty wasted no time asserting herself as a prominent member of the squad by demonstrating her superior abilities. She made sure that she was always front and center where coach Sylvester could see what she was capable of doing.
Brittany S. Pierce had flunked her senior year and was back again as head as head Cheerio, but this did not last very long. The first number that Brittany choreographed with the Cheerios was an elaborate dance routine to the Brittany Spears song Hold It Against Me. While Kitty let Brittany and some of the other cheerleaders think that this was a strong elaborate, routine; secretly she knew that it was mediocre at best, and in no way good enough for a National Champion squad.
Sure enough she was proven right when upon seeing it performed for the first time, coach Sylvester pronounced. “It’s garbage… Garbage wrapped in skin.”
Brittany was summoned into Coach Sue’s office. Kitty lurked outside of her coaches office door auspiciously taking care of young Robin, however her true motivation was to overhear what was going on inside. From the pieces that Kitty was able to make out, Brittany was being dismissed as head Cheerio, and from the squad altogether, because of her abysmal grade point average, and the fact that Sue could not have her setting such a poor example for the rest of the squad. Good thing I’m on that Honor Roll, she thought to herself.
Moments later a deflated Brittany walked out of the office and Coach Sue walked over to the door and saw Kitty standing there holding her daughter.
“Eavesdropping, I see,” Sue said.
She was about to open her mouth and protest, when Sue cut her off and said, “Excellent. Get in here.”
“Yes, Coach Sylvester,” she said, and walked into the office laying young Robin down in her stroller, and standing across the desk from her as coach Sue sat down.
“What is your honest opinion of the routine the Cheerios just performed a little bit ago?” Coach Sue asked her.
“Inadequate,” Kitty answered matter-of-factly.
“In what way?”
Without blinking Kitty answered, being brutally honest, “The routine was repetitive and unimaginative; the execution was sloppy. About a third of the girls were half a beat off, and most of the moves could’ve been done better by first year gymnastics student. Oh, and the song made me want to hurl.”
“That about covers it,” she said. “Do you think you can do better?”
“Absolutely,” Kitty said confidently.
“Good, answer,” Coach Sue told her. “As I’m sure you heard, I just relieved Brittany of her position on the Cheerios and her her role as head Cheerio is now open. As of now you are the new acting head Cheerio, and I’m giving you one week to come up with a routine that will impress me. If you do, the job will be yours permanently.”
“Thank you Coach Sylvester,” Kitty said. “I will not let you down.”
“Good,” she said, glancing at the clock, “it’s time for Robins four o’clock feeding.”
Kitty walked over and picked up the infant, walking out of the office. She grinned as soon as her back was to the coach. Her plan was working perfectly.
*** Monday ***
At Glee practice Artie sat next to Brittany who was out of uniform. The news had traveled fast about her being unceremoniously kicked off the cheerleading squad. She was clearly depressed sitting in a slump wearing a rumpled purple T-shirt that said ‘worlds best grandma’, and ate bits from a container of dark chocolate candies. Her hair was unkempt, and she clearly hadn’t showered in a couple days. When asked about it, she told the other glee club members that since she wasn’t allowed to wear her Cheerios uniform she’d gotten that outfit out of the lost and found.
Mr. Schue walked through the choir room door and told the group, “Great News guys, Principal Figgins has asked us to perform at the annual back to school pep rally this week.” Several members of the group smiled, but others were less certain. “Now I understand our National Champion street credit has dropped a little bit since school started. But this is our chance to really wow them and get it back.”
“What are we going to perform?” Joe wanted to know.
Artie looked over at Brittany with concern as he watched her eat candy after candy after candy. He could see Sam Evans doing the same.
“Good Question,” Mr.Schu answered. “we’re a family here, and when one of our family is falling down, it’s up to us to get together and pick them back up.”
He walked over to the whiteboard and wrote:
Brittany 2.0
“Oh my god, are we doing Brittany week again?” Tina asked.
He walked over and looked right at Brittany, “You really came into your own during the last Brittany Week,” he said in response. “You showed us the best of Brittany: Youth. Energy. Confidence. She inspires you, and you inspire us.”
He then addressed the entire group.
“So everyone prepare a Brittany song for the week, and were going to pick one to do for the pep assembly. I’ve asked Blaine and Artie to give us a little taste of what we’re looking for.”
Blaine and Artie got up in front of the group and Blaine address Britany directly, “This one’s for you Brittany.”
Then the two of them began performing a mashup of Boys by Brittany Spears and Boyfriend by Justin Bieber.
Artie:
For whatever reason,
I feel like I’ve been wanting you all my life
You don’t understand
I’m so glad we’re at the same place
At the same time
Blaine (Artie):
It’s over now
I spotted you dancin’
You made all the boys stare
Those lips and your brown eyes (Oooh)
And the sexy hair
Artie (Blaine):
I should shake my thang (Uh)
Make the world want you (Hahaha)
Tell your girls you’ll be back
I wanna see what you can do
Artie and Blaine with New Directions Boys:
What would it take for you to just leave with me?
Not tryin’ to sound conceited but
you and me were meant to be
You’re a sexy girl, I’m a nice guy
Let’s turn this dance floor into our own little nasty world!
Blaine with New Directions:
If I was your boyfriend
Artie:
Sometimes a girl just needs one
Blaine with New Directions:
Keep you on my arm girl
Artie:
To love her and to hold
Blaine with New Directions:
And I can be a gentleman
Artie:
And when a girl is with one
Blaine with New Directions:
If I was your boyfriend
Artie:
Then she’s in control!
Blaine with New Directions:
If I was your boyfriend
Artie:
Tell me what you like yeah tell me what you don’t
I could be your Buzz Lightyear fly across the globe
I don’t never wanna fight yeah, you already know
Imma a make you shine bright like you’re laying in the snow burr!
Blaine:
Girlfriend, girlfriend, you could be my girlfriend
You could be my girlfriend until the world ends
Make you dance do a spin and a twirl and
Voice goin’ crazy on this hook (New Directions Boys: If I was your boyfriend) like a whirl wind, swaggie
Artie:
Sometimes a girl just needs one
Blaine with New Directions Boys:
Keep you on my arm girl
Artie:
To love her and to hold
Blaine with New Directions Boys:
And I can be a gentleman
Artie:
And when a girl is with one
Blaine with New Directions Boys:
If I was your boyfriend
Artie:
Then she’s in control!
Blaine with New Directions Boys:
If I was your boyfriend
Blaine:
So give me a chance, ‘cause you’re all I need girl
Artie and Blaine with New Directions Boys:
Spend a week wit your boy I’ll be calling you my girlfriend
Artie (Blaine):
If I was your man (If I was your man)
I’d never leave you girl (Girl)
Artie with New Directions Boys (Blaine):
I just want to love you, (If I was your boyfriend) and treat you right
Artie:
Sometimes a girl just needs one
Blaine with New Directions Boys:
Keep you on my arm girl
Artie:
To love her and to hold
Blaine with New Directions Boys:
And I can be a gentleman
Artie:
And when a girl is with one
Blaine with New Directions Boys:
If I was your boyfriend
Artie:
Then she’s in control!
Blaine with New Directions Boys:
If I was your boyfriend
Artie and Blaine (New Direction Boys):
Na-na-na, na-na-na (Girls), na-na-na, yeah girl
Na-na-na, na-na-na (Girls)
Yeah, if I was your boyfriend.
Na-na-na, na-na-na (Girls), na-na-na eh!
Na-na-na, na-na-na (Girls)
If I was your boyfriend
Blaine:
Can’t live with ’em!
Artie:
Can’t live without ’em!
During the song, some of the other glee club members began to move and sang along, while Brittany just continued to eat, staring at them. Initially, she seemed indifferent to the performance, however as the song went on, several other members of the new directions began to move along to the song, getting more and more into it, and by the final verse Brittany herself was moving around to the beat; however she continued to eat her chocolates.
The song ended in applause, and Artie asked, “So, Brit, what’d you think?”
“I’m once again inspired by the awesomeness of Brittany,” She answered. “Thanks Mr. Schue.”
Artie and the others smiled.
# # #
That day at Cheerleading Practice, Kitty wasted no time asserting her position of leadership, as she addressed the group after Coach Sue informed the squad about the change in leadership.
“Now,” she told them as she paced in front of the assembled squad. “We are going to see some changes around here. My predecessor seemed to have the attitude that doing the same old thing and doing things “good enough” was good enough for a National Champion squad. Coach Sylvester and I don’t share that view. If we want to remain National Champions, then we need to push you harder than you’ve ever been pushed before. She and I are determined to do whatever it takes to win, and if any of you don’t share that level of commitment, then you may as well leave now and make room for one of the many others just begging to get on this squad who DO have that level of commitment.”
She stopped and looked right at them, pausing for effect before asking, “anyone?”
Seeing none, she said, “Good….. Wind sprints everybody.”
And with that she could see new confidence from the girls, and a smile on the face of their coach. Everything was going perfectly.
*** Tuesday ***
Kitty was on her way to her third period class when Artie saw her and greeted her with a smile, “Hey Kitty.”
Wait. Wasn’t he supposed to be mad… Disappointed in her? Why was he being so nice?
But instead of saying any of that she quietly answered, “Hey, Artie,” and rolled her eyes when he was no longer able to see her.
# # #
In Glee Club, Artie and the others watched as Joe, Tina, and Sam performed the Brittany song Three, as Brittany, who was now dressed more normally in a blue with black and white accented minidress and gray wrap, stared off blankly into space, arms folded. She had bathed and done her hair but still had a look of defeat about her. It made Artie so sad.
Tina with Joe and Sam:
One, two, three,
Not only you and me
Got 180 degrees and I’m caught in between
Countin’ one, two, three
Peter, Paul and Mary
Getting down with 3P
Everybody loves countin’
Everybody loves countin’
Everybody loves countin’
Tina:
Babe, pick a night
To come out and play
If it’s alright
What do you say?
Merrier the more
Triple fun that way
Twister on the floor
What do you say?
Joe:
Are you in?
Living in sin is the new thing,
Are you in?
Joe and Tina:
I am countin’
Tina with Joe and Sam:
One, two, three,
Not only you and me
Got 180 degrees and I’m caught in between
Countin’ one, two, three
Peter, Paul and Mary
Getting down with 3P
Everybody loves countin’
One, two, three,
Not only you and me
Got 180 degrees and I’m caught in between
Countin’ one, two, three
Peter, Paul and Mary
Getting down with 3P,
Everybody loves countin’
Tina:
Three is a charm
Two is not the same
I don’t see the harm
So are you game?
Let’s make a team
Make ’em say my name
Loving the extreme
Now are you game?
Joe (and Tina):
Are you in?
(Living in sin is the new thing,)
Are you in?
(I am countin’)
Tina with Joe and Sam:
One, two, three,
Not only you and me
Got 180 degrees and I’m caught in between
Countin’ one, two, three
Peter, Paul and Mary
Getting down with 3P
Everybody loves countin’
One, two, three
Not only you and me
Got 180 degrees and I’m caught in between
Countin’ one, two, three
Peter, Paul and Mary
Getting down with 3P
Everybody loves countin’
Sam:
What we do is innocent
Just for fun and nothing meant
Tina:
If you don’t like the company
Let’s just do it you and me,
Sam:
You and me
Joe and Tina:
Or three
Or four
Sam:
On the floor (Joe: On the floor)
On the floor (Joe: On the floor)
Tina:
On the floor!
Sam:
On the floor!
Tina with Joe and Sam:
One, two, three
Not only you and me
Got 180 degrees and I’m caught in between
Countin’ one, two, three
Peter, Paul and Mary
Getting down with 3P
Everybody loves countin’
Not only you and me (Tina: Oooh!)
Got 180 degrees and
I’m caught in between,
Countin’
Joe and Sam:
One, two, three (Tina: One, Two, Three)
Peter, Paul and Mary
Tina with Joe and Sam:
Getting down with 3P
Everybody loves countin’
Everyone, with the exception of Brittany, clapped and danced along throughout the performance.
Towards the end of the song, Brittany got up and walked over to the wall and pulled a hair buzzer out of her bag and plugged it into the wall outlet. Everyone watched, confused, as, Brittany raised the buzzer, about to shave her head, just as Brittany Spears did it back in 2007.
Unique squealed in panic, and Mr. Schue rushed over to stop her.
“Brittany what are you doing?” Mr. Schue asked, in a panic.
“Coach Sylvester’s taken away my high pony,” She explained. “If I can’t have my high pony I don’t want any hair at all.”
She moved to finish what she started and everybody yelled, “NO!” in unison.
After a few minutes of discussion, they talked her down and she finally relented.
*/*/*
After glee practice Artie, Blaine, and Tina, along with a crowd of other students watched in horror and fascination, as Joseph Ben-Israel and his cameraman attempted to ambush Brittany in the halls.
“Brittany S. Pierce, what do you say to reports that you’ve gone off the rails?”
“Leave me alone JBI!” she hollered, literally shoving his face out of hers.
But he was undeterred, and came back for more. “What’s going on in your head right now?” he wanted to know
“Leave me alone, JBI!” She hollered again and shoved him nearly knocking over his cameraman.
“Wh-What are you thinking?” he asked.
“There’s no comment,” she hollered slapping him across the face
“Just talk to me!”
“Leave Me alone,” she said shoving him again.
The two of them got into a shoving match in the hallway
“Are you getting this?” Jacob asked as a as a female photographer began to take pictures.
Brittany grabbed an umbrella from another student and began hitting Jacob with it, knocking him to the ground hitting him over and over again.
“There’s is your camera,” she hollered.
“Should we do something,” Blaine wondered
“No,” Tina answered. “He deserves it.”
“I meant about Brittany’s downward spiral,” Blaine said. “I think the whole singing at her thing isn’t really helping.”
“Probably what she misses most about the Cheerios is being in the spotlight,” Artie said. “We should give her that.”
A growing group of onlookers watched as Brittany continued to beat JBI into the ground with the umbrella. Off to the side, Kitty watched and smiled.
“Leave her alone, leave Brittany alone,” another student cried out.
Eventually she tired of striking him, and he tired of resisting, so she finally got up off of his prone form and walked off.
# # #
That day at practice Coach Sue wasn’t present, busy with other matters, and Kitty took the opportunity to begin teaching the squad the routine she had spent most of the weekend choreographing. To her surprise, they didn’t suck at it. She also informed them of the new mandatory daily practices she was implementing. She wasn’t letting up until they had things perfect.
# # #
Shortly after her image change, Kitty began looking for a token boyfriend who would help solidify her social status, and her image as a mean bitch bad girl; and she had settled on Jake Puckerman, the half black, half jewish badass. He had short black curly hair and dark skin, along with a chip on his shoulder. He was new to the school this year and so he likely did not have any emotional package.
Kitty was out on the football field after practice when she glanced up at the bleachers and what did she see Little Miss Marley Rose and Jake Puckerman. She was singing and he was playing the guitar and it was very obvious from looking at them that she was smitten with him and he with her. This was something that just could not be allowed to continue.
Kitty had disliked Marley basically from the moment she met her. She was tall, sweet, auburn haired, and very naive. Kitty saw a lot of Katherine in her, and she could become a significant threat to Kitty’s status if she set her mind to it. For that reason she set her mind to destroying the girl at all costs.
When Jake gave her his jacket Kitty was filled with rage.
*** Wednesday ***
In the choir room Brittany sat in her chair staring off into space. When her attention returned to what was going on in front of her, she saw the entire glee club staring at her.
She pressed the button on her phone and said, “Kiki why’s everybody in the glee club staring at me?”
“Because those fools are jealous,” her phone chirped and said back to her.
“Who is Kiki?” Tina wanted to know.
“Kiki is Siri’s super-smart older cousin who’s really jealous of how famous Siri’s gotten,” Brittany answered. “She lives inside this super-cheap phone I found at the laundromat.”
Everyone continued to stare at her in confusion.
“What size coffee is that?” Sam asked, breaking the silence and changing the subject.
“Kiki what size coffee and my drinking?” Brittany asked.
The phone chirped again and said, “You’re drinking a settanta – 70 ounces of espresso.”
“Thank you Kiki,” she said
Artie and Unique shared a concerned look, while Blaine and Sam just stared.
“You’re the only one I can trust,” Brittany told Kiki, “now that Santana’s too busy.”
“Brittany we’re worried about you,” Joe told her concerned.
“We know how hard it must have felt to get kicked off the Cheerios,” Blaine said. “We want to help you get back on your feet and start performing again.”
“You should be the lead performer at the pep assembly on Friday,” Tina suggested.
“That’s great,” Brittany said with a smile on her face for the first time in days, “but there’s only one problem. I have to lip-synch”
“W-We don’t lip-synch in Glee,” Blaine told her in disbelief
“Well,” Brittany said, staring at the floor, “my voice is too weak to sing live. I’ve been up every night this week yelling at the shrubs in my yard that have been making fun of me.”
“This sounds like a terrible idea,” Artie said.
“We’ll record the song in advance. I’ll choreograph an amazing routine without having to worry about anybody running out of breath, and Mr. Schuester will never know the difference,” she informed them-
Blaine shook his head
“-Lots of performers do this now. Kristen Stewart. James Earl Jones.”
Brittany pressed the button on her phone. “Kiki,” she asked, speaking into her phone, “is a good idea for me to lip-synch at the pep assembly?”
That phone chirped. “It’s not a good idea. It’s a great idea,” Kiki replied. “Can I get you another Settanta?”
She took another sip of her drink.
Artie shook his head. This wasn’t going to go well, but they needed to do whatever it took to help their friend.
*** Friday ***
Kitty approached Jake in the halls.
“So I’ve heard people talking about us around school.”
“Us?”
“Yes,” she told him. “Rumor has it we’re dating.”
“Now where would they get that idea?”
“I started it. ” she told him grinning. “I had to do something to combat that other rumor about you.”
“And what rumor is that?”
“The one that you’re a womanizer,” she informed him matter-of-factly. “Marley and some of her friends were talking about it the other day, and I can’t have that. So I told everyone in the girl’s locker room that you were off limits.”
“Marley wouldn’t say that about me.”
“Oh, but she did. She may not have wanted to believe it at first, but once they showed her that you were trolling every girl in that school, she had no choice but to see it.”
She could see that he was clearly annoyed but said, “While I appreciate your looking out for my reputation, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t spread rumors of your own.”
“It’s only a rumor until it’s true.”
“And what makes you think I’d want to date you, anyway?”
“If you actually need me to answer that, then you’re dumber than Brittany.” She put her hand on his shoulder, leaned into his ear, and spoke seductively, “Just think about it.”
And with that she walked off, leaving him alone with his thoughts.
# # #
Kitty was just entering the cafeteria when she saw the beginning of an altercation between Jake Puckerman and Phil and Bobby from her crew. Jake apparently wanted them to apologize for something and from the looks on their faces, Marley and her mom, the fat lunch lady, were somehow involved.
When it got physical, Mr. Schuster, the Glee Club and History Teacher broke it up and hauled Jake off.
Kitty just rolled her eyes. Boys!
# # #
Later that afternoon Kitty was on her way to the pep assembly when Jake caught up with her.
“Well, I thought about it,” he said.
“And?” She asked.
“And I’m in,” he told her with a sigh.
“Good answer,” she told him. “Don’t act all depressed about it. It’ll be good for both of us. Let’s get together this weekend. I’ll text you with deets.”
“Okay,” he answered, trying a smile.
# # #
At the pep assembly, Kitty was sitting with the Cheerios and coach Sylvester when Mr. Figgins addressed the crowd
“Quiet please children, Shh. Welcome children to McKinley High’s annual fall assembly, where we gather to celebrate teen pep. Before we begin a few announcements. First and foremost I wish to address the rumor that I like to be milked like a cow because my breasts are filled with delicious wholesome milk. That rumor is untrue. And now without further ado it’s time for performance of music to be enjoyed by all.”
# # #
Backstage at the assembly, the New Directions were dressed all in black and getting ready to perform. All, that is, except Brittany.
“Brittany,” Blaine asked, “shouldn’t you be stretching or warming up or something?”
But Brittany just sat there eating Cheetos
“Do you need a baby wipe?” Tina asked, concerned, “you have Cheetos hands and Cheetos mouth.”
“I’m fine thank you,” Brittany replied unconcerned, continuing to eat her Cheetos.
Tina sighed.
Definitely not going to go well, Artie thought.
# # #
“It is my honor to introduce McKinley High’s New Directions,” Principal Figgins finished.
The crowd applauded and the curtain went up revealing the glee club dressed all in black and began to sing Gimme More by Brittany spears.
Brittany:
It’s Brittany, bitch
I see you…
And I just want to dance with you
Hmmm…
Every time they turn the lights down
Just want to go that extra mile for you
(New Directions: You public) My display of affection
Feels like no one else in the room (but you)
We can get down like there’s no one around
We keep on rockin’ (we’ll keep on rockin’)
We keep on rockin’ (keep on rockin’)
Cameras are flashin’ while we’re dirty dancin’
They keep watching (they keep watching)
Keep watching
Feels like the crowd is saying
Brittany with New Directions (New Directions):
Gimme, gimme (More)
Gimme (More)
Gimme, gimme (More)
Gimme, gimme (More)
Gimme (More)
Gimme, gimme (More)
Gimme, gimme (More)
Gimme (More)
Gimme, gimme (More)
Gimme, gimme (More)
Gimme (More)
Gimme, gimme (More)
Brittany:
A center of attention (do you feel good?)
Even when we’re up against the wall
You’ve got me in a crazy position (yeah)
If you’re on a mission (uh-huh)
You got my permission (oh)
We can get down like there’s no one around
We keep on rockin’ (keep on rockin)
We keep on rockin’ (oh, are you?)
Cameras are flashin’ while we’re dirty dancin’
They keep watching (they keep watching)
Feels like the crowd is saying
Brittany with New Directions (New Directions):
Gimme, gimme (More)
Gimme (More)
Gimme, gimme (More)
Gimme, gimme (More)
Gimme (More)
Gimme, gimme (More)
Gimme, gimme (More)
Gimme (More)
Gimme, gimme (More)
Gimme, gimme (More)
Gimme (More)
Gimme, gimme (More)
Brittany:
I just can’t control myself, oh
They want more? Well, I’ll give them more, ow!
New Directions (Brittany):
Gimme, gimme more
Gimme more
Gimme, gimme more (Gimme more)
Gimme, gimme more
Gimme more
Gimme, gimme more (Oh oh)
Gimme, gimme more
Gimme more
Gimme, gimme more
Gimme, gimme more (Gimme more, yeah)
Gimme more
Gimme, gimme more
Brittany:
Uhhh, give me more, give me more
Give me more, give me more baby
I just want more!
New Directions (Brittany):
Gimme, gimme more
Gimme more
Gimme, gimme more (Gimme more)
Gimme, gimme more
Gimme more
Gimme, gimme more (Oh oh)
Gimme, gimme more
Gimme more
Gimme, gimme more
Gimme, gimme more (Gimme more, yeah)
Gimme more
Gimme, gimme more
The whole school watched in the stands. Brittany was holding a large bottle of orange pop and drinking from it. Kitty watched carefully, with a suspicious look on her face.
She was paying special attention to her former rival, Brittany, and Artie (who mysteriously continued to greet her by name when he saw her in the halls even after the peace between the cheerleaders and glee club was over, and she had mostly stopped responding to him). Much of the performance Brittany was singing too and dancing around Artie in his wheelchair much to his obvious discomfort.
There was something familiar about the performance, but she could not quite put her finger on it. Throughout the performance, Brittany forgot moves, stepped in the wrong direction, and her lips were out of sync with the song; and was eating Cheetos throughout. Something very familiar. Then Brittany started falling,
Then it finally occurred to her. The performance was reminiscent of Brittany Spears’ controversial MTV Awards performance of the song back in 2007, where she lip-synced and wore the same outfit Brittany was wearing here.
Without hesitation, Kitty rose to her feet, pointed, and shouted out, “THEY’RE LIP-SYNCHING!”
Unique then attempted to grab the food and drink from Brittany, but Brittany then threw cheetos around the stage; when the crowd erupted into a small riot and New Directions were booed off the stage.
Kitty watched in satisfaction as Sam and Blaine quickly covered the stage with the curtain.
# # #
A few minutes later, Artie sat with the rest of the glee club as Mr. Schue berated them,
“In the 58 year history of the McKinley High School Glee Club, there has never been such a debacle! We do not lip-synch ever!”
“Sorry Mr. Schue,” Blaine said. “we were just trying to help Brittany out.”
“Lip-synching is the equivalent of blood doping in professional sports. Every gain we’ve made in the last three years has been wiped out. And I’m not just talking about a reputation here at McKinley.” He gestured to the rest of the school building for emphasis. “If the National Show Choir Board of Review gets wind of this, we could be barred from competing.”
He turned to Brittany and asked, “What do you have to say for yourself Brittany?”
“To quote the legend herself ‘if I met me I would say quick hello and then think I was a really nice girl’ ”
She rose through feet and added, “and I resign from glee club effective immediately.”
And with that she walked out the door.
Artie and the others just sat there dumbfounded.
# # #
That day after school at cheerleading practice, Kitty showed coach Sue the routine she had devised to the theme of U.G.L.Y. By Daphne and Celeste.
C) Ok! I’m a cheerleader now!
[Chorus]
(D&C) u.g.l.y.
You ain’t got no alibi you ugly
Eh! Hey! You ugly x4
(C) I saw you walking down the street just the other day
(C) I didn’t see your damage from that far away
(C) I should have got a clue when the kids started screaming
(C) You walked up to me with your buckteeth a gleaming
(C) Your hair was all frizzy and your face was a mess
(C) I thought it was a sack but it’s your favourite dress
(C) You hurt the tree’s feelings and the birds all flew
(C) I don’t mean to insult you
(C) Oh wait! Yes I do.
(D) Your teeth are yellow, they’re covered in mould
(D) You’re only fourteen you look a hundred years old
(C) When looks were handed out you were last in line
(C) Your face looks like where the sun don’t shine
(D) Did you fall off a building and land on your head?
(D) Or did a truck run over your face instead
(C) There ain’t no pill cos you ain’t ill
(D&C) you’re ugly!
(D&C) U.G.L.Y you ain’t got no alibi you ugly eh! Hey! You ugly x2
(D) What you really need is to wear a mask
(D) And book that plastic surgeon fast – (girl)
(C) You’re scary – you’re hairy I heard about you
(C) You’re the main attraction at the city zoo
(D) You’re so fat and ugly with a belly full of flab
(D) When you wear a yellow coat people shout out cab
(C) (So funny)
(D) You got eyes like a pig and your nose is big
(D) And with hair like that you should be wearing a wig
(C) Uncle Fester, remember him? I never knew that you had a twin
(D) You can’t disguise your googly eyes
(D) In the miss ugly pageant you win first prize
(C) Yo mama says you ugly –
(D&C) you ugly!
(D&C) U.G.L.Y you ain’t got no alibi you ugly eh! Hey! You ugly x2
(D) Get busy x9
(C) Yo mama says your ugly
(D) Get busy
(C) Yo mama says your ugly
(D) Get busy
(C) Yo mama says your ugly
(D) Get busy (D&C) your ugly!
(D&C) u.u.u.u.
(D) Now I feel like Blondie
(D&C) U.G.L.Y you ain’t got no alibi you ugly eh! Hey! You ugly x2
(D) Quasimodo
(C) Camel breathe
(D) Squarehead
(D&C) ugly!
(C) Chicken legs
(D) Pig face
(C) Chin like bubba
(D&C) ugly!
(D) Fish lips
(C) Toad licker
(D) Poindexter
(D&C) ugly!
(C) Spaghetti arms
(D) Limp butt
(D&C) freak show -ugly!
(D&C) U.G.L.Y you ain’t got no alibi you ugly eh! Hey! You ugly x1
(D&C) U.G.L.Y- (C) you could make an onion cry
(D&C) U.G.L.Y- (D) like an alien chased by the F.B.I.
(D&C) U.G.L.Y you
U.G.L.Y you ain’t got no alibi you ugly!
The routine was fresh and precise. There were just enough fancy moves to impress, without coming off flashy and gimmicky. The song itself presented the same attitude that both Sue and Kitty had. That squad had performed it well, and in that end Coach Sue simply stated, “Outstanding.”
Kitty smiled and knew she had won the top spot permanently.
*** Saturday ***
Saturday morning, Kitty texted Jake and that evening they went to the early showing of a movie. She chose the early showing to maximize the possibility that they would be seen, and sure enough the theater was full, but unfortunately Marley Rose wasn’t one of the attendees. She would have to find another way to break the news to Miss Itty-Bitty.
*** Monday ***
A few days later Kitty was outside of Coach Sylvester’s office when Brittany once again went to see her. From the bits and pieces of the conversation that she was able to make out Brittany had managed to improve her grades with a little help from Mr. Shuster and Ms. Pillsbury.
And she was welcomed back onto the Cheerios, however coach Sylvester was impressed enough with Kitty’s routine that she retained the leadership of the squad.
Kitty found out later that the whole thing was a ploy to hit bottom so she could rise from that ashes like the mythological phoenix. Kitty rolled her eyes.
# # #
That day on her way to lunch, Kitty ran into Artie as she entered the cafeteria.
“Hey, Kitty,” he greeted her.
Why the hell was he still so nice to me for? She thought.
“Well if it isn’t crippy-lip-synch,” she retorted.
“We were just trying to help Brittany, which I’m sure you already knew,” he told her.
“Maybe so,” she retorted, laughing. “But it was definitely the wrong way to so do it.”
After a moment, she added, quietly, “And now it’s my turn to be disappointed in you.”
And with that she was gone, and he just sat there realizing that she was right.
# # #
Torturing Marley Rose was becoming a new hobby of Kitty’s. It was becoming more and more fun, especially when it became apparent that she was into Jake. Kitty decided to use every opportunity to flaunt their relationship in front of Marley, and make it clear that Jake was hers, and Marley could not have him.
After lunch, Kitty was exchanging books at her locker when she saw Jake approach Markey’s locker.
“Uh, you think I could sit next to you in Glee Club? I don’t know anybody else.”
Markey Smiled “So you’re going to join? I didn’t realize I had that powerful an effect on you?”
“It wasn’t you….well it helped…I just … (sigh)..I don’t know, get these feelings sometimes to punch someone, or steal a cop car, or kiss someone, and I hear Glee Club might help them go away…. even though it totally sucks balls.”
“I promise (laughing), it’s not that bad. Just stick with me, and I’ll help you get through it.”
“It’s nice to have a friend looking out for me.”
“Well, I owe you for what you did for my mom…. Oh, I just realized I’m still wearing your jacket.”
“It looks pretty good on you.–”
Kitty could not take it anymore and chose that moment to interrupt, “–I bet it looks better on me.”
Marley got a confused look on her face..
“We’re dating now. Didn’t Jake tell you?”
Kitty held our her hand, clearly expecting Marlry to hand the jacket over.
“No he didn’t,” Markey responded crestfallen.
“Well, uh, it’s not really my style to put a label on things.”
“You two make a great couple,” Marley said taking him off the hook.
She handed the jacket to Kitty who put it on
“Bye.” She said sadly, trying to hold her emotions in check. Kitty smiled triumphantly.
And with that she walked away leaving Jake alone with Kitty. Kitty faced Jake with a satisfied smile on her face.
“Don’t you agree it looks good on me?” When he didn’t answer right away, she changed the subject. “So why on earth would you want to join glee club, when it world take away from the time you can have this?” Kitty asked him, gesturing to her body.
“I think you heard my explanation. I don’t expect you to understand it, but please accept it.”
He took off toward his next class.
“For now, Puckerman,” she uttered under her breath, “for now.”
She would have to fight that battle another day.
# # #
Later that day, at a Glee rehearsal Brittany was back, complete with high pony an Cheerio uniform.
Artie watched as Jake was being lead into the choir room by Mr. Schue. He noticed that Marley was sitting in her chair reviewing some notes when she heard Mr. Schue talking. She looked up and saw Jake, a sad look still on her face. He wondered what was going on.
“Okay,” Mr. Schue said, addressing the group, “let’s give a big New Directions welcome to Jake Puckerman.”
Jake meet Marleys eyes and Sam came up and put his hand on Jake’s shoulder saying, “Hey, dude. Um, me and your bro were best friends.” Jake turned to face him. “Is it weird that I know him a lot better than you?” Jake wasn’t sure what to say.
“Welcome, bro,” Joe Hart added. “God made you, and God doesn’t make mistakes.” He smiled and walked off.
Jake looked around and found a place to sit down.
“Mr Schuster?” Marley asked.
“Yeah, Marley?”
“If it’s alright I’d like to sing one last Brittany song.”
“Did that come out this morning?” Artie asked. ” ‘Cause we’ve scraped the bottom of that Brittany barrel.”
“Not exactly. This is one of my favorite sings.”
She stepped up front, sat on a stool and began to sing, Everytime
Marley:
Notice me
Take my hand
Why are we
Strangers when
Our love is strong
Why carry on without me?
Everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, it’s haunting me
I guess I need you baby
I make believe
That you are here
It’s the only way
I see clear
What have I done
You seem to move on easy
And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you’re haunting me
I guess I need you baby
I may have made it rain
Please forgive me
My weakness caused you pain
And this song is my sorry
Ohhhh
At night I pray
That soon your face
Will fade away
And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you’re haunting me
I guess I need you baby
As she sung, Artie noticed that Jake watched her with an upset expression – he knew that Marley is singing this because she was upset that he was dating Kitty. Word of that had traveled quickly. He felt bad, for them but hated to get involved in other people’s relationship drama so he decided to ignore his feelings for now.
# # #
Before Cheerio practice, Kitty approached Jake who was out on the football field playing with his guitar, and teased him about serenading a girl he wasn’t even dating. How was she supposed to feel about that.
In response he began to pluck away at his guitar and sang a song just for her.
Marley watched this from a far, but halfway through the song she couldn’t take it anymore, and ran off to cry somewhere private.
# # #
Okay everybody, sorry for taking so long for this update. I treat each chapter as an episode which has to stand on its own in addition to fitting with the overall story, so it takes longer. Add to that the fact that I keep getting inspired to write parts of later chapters lol.
You know the drill, please, review and subscribe so you know when new chapters come out. If you want to see more chapters faster, I need some more reviews to provide inspiration 🙂